there is a bird in my throat!

Dreams

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 10:33:20 GMT

I keep having dreams about babies. Girls, small brown baby girls, several months old. In one dream, the baby's mother handed her to me, told me she had indigestion and I had to press her tummy to help relieve the pain and the baby found my breast, ended up nursing. We fell asleep together, and then apart. Seb was there. In another I held the Asian baby in a purple fleece blanket as I walked around the theatre. Other people kept trying to hold her, but she wasn't mine, so I wouldn't let them. In my most recent dream, I held the baby (this time with curly strawberryblondebrown hair and bright blue eyes) to my chest and a woman tickled and poked me so I would drop her. These babies are never mine, just somehow entrusted to me.

Last night I had a dream I almost had sex with someone, and his girlfriend was so mad.

Three nights ago I had a dream this creepy old small man with a pocked face murdered me with a spatula in my own kitchen. --Not the flexible kind, but the basic kind you would use to turn pancakes or cook eggs. A huge kitchen knife was close to my hands but I couldn't reach it, couldn't reach out, couldn't make my mouth move to speak. I couldn't stop myself from getting killed.

HAPPENING!

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 03:42:48 GMT

GOING TO PERU FIRST!!!!!
TESOL PROGRAM (languagecorps.com) BEGINS MARCH THE 25TH.
COMPLIMENTARY LANGUAGE SCHOOL BEGINS TWO WEEKS PRIOR.
CUSCO, CUSCO, CUSCO!

I leave in four weeks!
I can't believe I'm doing this.
It is going to be fantastic.
I might even eat a guinea pig or chichi, the beer that is fermented with spit!
Mostly I want to see chubby indigenous children cheeks and take pictures and speak Spanish and ride sweaty buses and ride a bike through town and meet magical people and adventure!!

I am planning up until Peru, and then letting future plans take care of themselves.

Much love and peace to you,
ALL,
Jess

enormous

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 06:14:33 GMT

i am going to guatemala soon. in march. to a language immersion school and to volunteer/teach at an orphanage. i'm going other places too. it's pretty huge and tremendous. you can find my travel blog at http://quetzalista.blogspot.com

love,
jess

THE INTENTION IS OUT THERE

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 22:43:16 GMT

and in here, too.
xo

Give Him A Medal Or Something; Shit!

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 05:12:01 GMT

Whatever genius decided to combine two of the greatest things ever, ice cream and coffee, into COFFEE ICE CREAM, deserves to get an honorary BA from a classy-ass Ivy League school. You are my hero, coffee flavored ice cream inventor.

Also, I have the new Hanson album on my computer, and it's good. Pop music is catchy and dependable. I find mediocrity comforting. Kind of like the ratty sweatshirt I'm wearing right now. Or like that little bear's bed, it's juuuust right.

Question: Was Goldilocks just a really big whore? I'm beginning to think, maybe. A whore and a thief. Godfuckingdamnit, Goldilocks. [Editor's note: I am home alone, just played solo boggle (and kicked my own ass; I own at boggle. OOOOWWWWNNN.) and I'm drinking Shiraz. In case you wondered where all the enthusiasm came from.]

I challenge you to respond to one of these writing prompts:
www.mcsweenys.net/2006/5/4wiencek.html

Or some other writing prompt. I need more writing prompts! Hand them the fuck over, kids.

Love y'all.

Also, Mayzie, your hair is the mother-fucking hottest. You are my favorite Baby Jesus impersonator EVER. Pictures, mythological creatures party people! You're my favorites.

bdrnk

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 09:28:02 GMT

oh no
i am drunk
and sweet on a boy
who is taken and sometimes a dick
fuuuuuuck.
i went to a party though
anf was totallt The Gurl Who Sipped Other Guys Beers
and I sat on as chair and watched everyojne be loud
whoooooooaaaaaaa

i always used tyo spell whoa like this: woah
buyt that is incorrext.

i love tim ward my smoothie friend and jazz motherfucking mcginnis is a hot motherfucker. also his cat, sandy. mAZybe not hot, but sure fuzzy.

out.

4/13/08

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 23:22:34 GMT

I have quite possibly become the one thing I can't stand to see in others: hardened.

Just because I like banana-bread-making more than martini-shaking don't make me no fool.

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 23:42:47 GMT

Just some affirmations and reminders for myself.

I don't like (and don't need to like) boozing, "that's what she said" jokes, "i kissed a girl once, and i'm a girl; am i alternative enough yet?", lap dance parties (my housemate had one. all that happened was people gave each other lap dances. and omg one time??!!! a boy lap-danced another boy! how revolutionary!!!!), stupid parties in general (you know the kind where people sit around getting fucked up but nothing REAL happens), college life in general.

I'm done with "college life". I have never felt the need to play around with drugs or alcohol, and I don't now, either. This doesn't make me uncool, or a prude, by any means. I'm all about gettin' my buzz on so long as it's with the right people. My idea of a good time is chardonnay + apple juice (or white russians, or some sort of fun and fruity mixed drink) with some friends, some food, and a game or conversation or ... something fun and constructive. What I'm not about is "freshman fun". I'm not a freshman.

I just feel like I'm surrounded by immaturity. AND I AM. I live on a college campus. But next year, Imma have a little house (or an apartment) and I'll be able to throw mad baking parties ('cause sugar is my drug of choice), potlucks, aint-we-fancy parties (which consist of wine, french bread, and cheese, as well as pretentious conversation), and dance parties (where people actually dance). It'll be good.

!

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 00:14:54 GMT

I am taking 20 credits! I am busy! There is no way I will ever finish all of my readings! I am in a Spanish class one term above where I should be! This is finally sinking in!

But I'm alright. When I get stressed and overwhelmed, there are a few things I do.

A) Call my mom.
B) Organize my shit.
C) Make/eat delicious food.

I am to the delicious food part of my day. I just whipped up some fried rice, which hits the spot. Jazz is playing, candles are lit, and I'm about to get my academic on.

Your turn!
When you get stressed and/or overwhelmed, what do you do, who do you call, what do you listen to, what do you eat?

200820082008

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 20:45:56 GMT

I had a pseudo-surprise party (It was gonna be a surprise, but then I found out) at the ranch in California with my family, and my friend Tim, and it was awesome. Everyone loved Tim, which was to be expected.

My grandma made a Birthday Mad Lib for me, which was basically a story of my life. Adjectives ranged from "scrumptulescent" (from my Aunt Elena), "Red-Hot" (my brother Steven, who also contributed "Sweaty", which ended up refering to him in the storyl yess!), and "Cat" (from my 5 year old cousin Evi. We took the liberty of changing it to "catty"). I drank champagne, and got drunk on love. Best birthday party ever.

I gots a pots and pans set for christmas. Which means: no more teflon flaking into our pasta!

Tim and I bought each other a book at Barnes and Nobles. For Tim I got Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer. Tim got me Perfume by Patrick Suskind.

Also I watched Juno and forgave it for the reasons my movie-watching companions didn't like it because I thought it was so cute and I have the hugest thing for George Michael (a.k.a. Michael Sera) because all you can do is adore him. He was also in my dream last night, as were ghosts and a psychologist, which I'm pretty sure was directly influenced by a) me sleeping on the family couch, and b) watching lost and arrested development on said couch before I fell asleep.

I'm nervous about my classes, but it's the good kind of nervous.

Right now, I'm home in Oregon for a couple of days, compiling a cookbook (you know, from sticky recipe/photo sheets and a binder), doing my fafsa, and having a LOST marathon.

I am determined to have an awesome (or at least better than this quarter and my attitude have been) year. My birthday is on the 9th, and Imma be 21, so that's good news.

For 2008, more: tea, sleep, deep breathing, laughter, home-made meals, vegetables, balance, perspective. Less: stress, shit-talking, negativity, sugar, staying up all night letting my head spin out, apologies, and uncertainty. More: movement, growth; diving in without my swimsuit.

I refuse to make a resolution like "exercise" or some shit. I do what I want. My only resolution is to do things whether or not I have a swimsuit, goggles, towel, etc. I am done standing still.

Yay 2008!

I hope this wasn't too cheesy, or too patronizing or painful if you had a shitty year. I am choosing, for the moment, to go on this whole gratidude kick, and focus on the positive, the good.

P.S. THANK YOU FOR THE BOOK RECCOMENDATIONS!

wtf, jess

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:21:45 GMT

i hate people.

i think i need to migrate to some cool lush jungle and live with the sloths where i belong. because that is my nature. and you're not supposed to fight your nature, you're supposed to nurture it. and sloths would totally know how to handle me.

plus, when i got all hyperactive i could go visit the hyenas.
providing they wouldn't eat me.

hm.

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Sat, 19 Mar 2005 04:20:18 GMT

I completely OD'd on sugar today, but it was on purpose.
I am giving it up tomorrow.
It is a drug.
I am not an addict.

Also, the open mic thing? I didn't play. But I will march tomorrow, and I will play next tuesday, and I offered to help with the open mics, for purely selfish reasons. Somed other reeeeally awesome people/bands played, and I am all inspired, and And and and going places.

I got some cds from columbia house today.

mixed cds are my favorite thing in the whole world, almost.
my favorite smells are:
the smell of rice cooking, and the summerparty smell. not yucky-party, but musical-hippie-party. mmmm, nostalgia.

if you wanted to make me a mixed cd, i would be so happy, and i can't really make you one or myself one because i don't have the means, but when i do have the means, i will send you one. or send you me.

how are you?

My hair is getting longer, but that's kind of ironic, because it's still super-short.

I am writing lists like my life depends on it. It kind of does.

Also, on saint patrick's day I wore a shirt that said "I Ireland", but even if I hadn't you couldn't pinch me because my eyes ARE green. they're more green then they used to be, it seems. they used to be bluer. what happened?

lots of people are calling me jessie now.

I talked to jnanda the other day, and it was like energy work.

boys who hijack your guitar and play tenacious d songs outside on a park bench when it is dark and they even do the harmony are really, really great. but i wasn't serenaded, they just used me for my guitar.

when i talked to jnanda about the fact that i still don't have my period, she said, "hmmm. and you don't know why? ...you haven't been sleeping with any of the choir boys, have you?" hahahahahhaa. jnanda is my healer. that is why it's so hillarious.

matt's birthday is tomorrow. his journal is fishnet_skin. i heart him. so do you, whether you know it or not. i also shamrock him, but you can't shamrock him because i already called it. sorry.

i really want to take a road trip this spring break, but i also am like.... ahhh gas! i need to start being conservative.... not just for my wallet. FOR THE GOOD OF THE WHOLE DAMNED COUNTRY!!!

ahhhh, i love you. i also made PERFECT CAKE for my aunt's birthday. it was a yellow cake (but i loved it! it didn't taste eggy!) with chocolate forsting-- a layer cak3. and i even wrote "happy birthday katie" and two shamrocks on it!!!! I COULD SOOOO BE A CAKE DECORATOR! or at least work at baskin and robbins.

no, things are good. <3

edit: i wrote "cak3" instead of "cake" and if i didn't edit to mention this, you would think i am hip. but i don't want to give you a false impression. truthfully, i just don't type on the home keys.

also: the shirt? said "I *shamrock* Ireland". I do! I guess. hm.

You are Invited!

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Wed, 09 Mar 2005 21:51:32 GMT

IN THE CAR

Yesterday, Paul-who-is-almost-two-and-my-cousin danced in his carseat because I had Mobley's hip-hop mix on. Bridget-who-is-five-and-my-cousin, asks me, "Jessie, put the one on that goes 'And I try and I try'." She is referring to Bjork and PJ Harvey's cover of "Satisfaction". Claire-who-is-four-and-my-cousin requests (or, demands) Joanna Newsom.

SUMMER

I am coming home for the summer to work at the shell shop and create magic and mischief all over. I will, generally, have weekends+ free. So, I have been making summery plans. Lots of them. Because I love plans, especially those having to do with summer. I will see Stacey and Allen (or is it Alan?) Jordaan and Matt, Matt and Zoe, Vinnie, Jazz, Beth, you? I am planning a road-trip and other such things. Do you want to get in on the fun? Sure you do.

I am trying not to think about the future, because I just become overwhelmed and the last time I talked to my mom and I wasn't very okay she mentioned that maybe I was homesick to which I was very quiet. I don't have TIME to be homesick; I am too busy making macaroni and cheese!! :) I don't know how I am. For now, I am happy because I have REdiscovered Jamie's mixed cd (Jamie I sooo adore it!) and have been endlessly listening to "You are Invited" by the dismemberment plan and "this Charming Man" by DCFC.

MISC
I feel the urge to own a picnic blanket. It just seems like something I should have to my name.

There is an anti-war open mic at this hip little cafe and if I can get my self together and get my music together, I will go and win everyone over with an anti-war song. Hah.

I am learning to knit, in preparation of being old with Matt.

ALSO
I buzzed my hair several weeks ago; I don't know if I told you.

My four-track recorder isn't working.

I am reading Chocolat, but not eating it.

AND THEN

I'm finished. Good place to stop as any, right?
loveyou.

Living for the Day

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:04:05 GMT

I feel very crafty because I have a Valentine's Day plan, which I hope will fabricate the way it should: beautifully. For now, I am looking at people for clues as to whether they like Ani Difranco, or me, or might be desperate enough to do something on Valentine's Day with me. Yeah. I might end up just taking my aunt, who is going through a divorce. But for now, I am valiantly seeking someone to be my friend. Meeting people is hard. We miss so many chances for deeper relationships with every person we meet, stand in line with, and so on. I am done missing things, but any deeper interaction in situations where it isn't really socially acceptable only earns me weird looks and small laughs.

Also, I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE. Really. I do. I am a gift, you are a gift. I have a lot to tell you, but I don't quite know how. Or the time never seems right, or something. But. I am pretty happy. I have been yoga-ing, and tread-mill-ing, and I made a mean minestrone soup two nights ago.

I have been coming to lots of revelations. I have to keep gently reminding myself that I have so much time. I have so. much. time. Because I tend to get ahead of myself, and want to do everything, now. I have grown so much in only eighteen years. I have DONE so much, and there is so much to do. But there is time. Nothing's going away, really.

I am so many different girls. I wear so many different hats. Literally. I don't like labels, and representation, and outer-wear. And I do. It's so confusing. And I am so conflicted, but ultimately, I don't want you to look at what I am wearing and sum up who I am. But I do it to you. Sorry!

I've been going to a Unitarian Universalist church, and I have trained for literacy tutoring, and I have a lot of good stories. If you did want to call, or email, or write me, I'd love it. I really, really, would.

I am updated as far as friends pages go, and I'm sorry for my lack of notes, but I don't have much computer time.

I have a lot of give, I have a lot of hope, I have a lot of love. I am so happy to be me right now. I feel grateful to every end of me. I am alive. Simple as that. And you are, too.

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Sun, 23 Jan 2005 21:21:37 GMT

I know all of my updates are short and not long and flowery. But. I am delighted to be able to inform you that I am happy and that I have direction kind of and lots of things are happening. I am also buying two tickets to the Ani Difranco show at the santa barbara arlington theatre, in the hopes that I will find someone to go with me. Thids will be the first valentines day I will not be sitting at home. Hurray!

How are you what are you doing????

I so hope you are well.

Remember you can always call me and write me and pester me to hear songs and such.

I love you if you do and I love you if you don't. It's all good.

xoxooxxo!!

CAN WE HAVE A COLLECTIVE "AWWHHHH" ?

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Tue, 11 Jan 2005 03:23:43 GMT

I think you are so beautiful.

I am eighteen now, it is flooding, I am enamoured with "Garden State" (I am trying really really hard not to justify buying it since it isn't in my budget), I have a headache, everything is changing, Pablo's smiles are very crinkly, I had a very "High Fidelity" experience at this music store, I spent my birthday (well the 8th and the 9th) eatingandmaking sushi & watching boogie nights, garden state, almost famous, and closer because i stayed with my aunt elena and her back went out.

Also, matt will get this: "I can't WAAAIT to be old!" GOLF PANTS.

I am filled with the hugest urge and desire to DO something. To FINISH something. My birthday horoscope was right on the money on that one; told me I should focus my talents to one talent. So, which one? I mean, I do have so many, :) hehe

Wicked headache. I don't really miss you because we didn't really go anywhere.

Loveyouthough.,

Off-Ramp

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Thu, 06 Jan 2005 19:43:43 GMT

Hi. I drove on the freeway to get to the library to check email and I did just fine. I am driving a white toyota avalon with a cd player and it is smoooth. I am having a very hard day. I cried today. I feel like a kid again-- those kids make me feel like a kid. It is, for the most part, very very good. To feel like a kid. But not for the reason I feel like a kid now. I feel small. and like I keep messing up over and over and over. And the bad thing is that the mess-ups aren't really big deals-- things that won't matter in the future-- just brokenthings. But the future isn't here yet. In the course of the two days I had the girls, markers got on Katie's quilt in my room that she made when she was little and took her a year, her little mouse figure's tail fell off because Bridget grabbed it and Bridget still hasn't told her and if she does, it will still be my responsibility, her coffee cup broke, and bridget broke one of her cd cases. apiuqapiugds;ohasA. I just want to run away or better yet fix things. But how.

The kids.

They are very concerned with whether I am a kid or an adult. Katie (their mom, my aunt) told them I am going to be an adult on my birthday, so claire asked me, "Are you going to grow up into an adult?" and I said, "Yeah, on Sunday." and she said, "So you'll be an adult?" and I explain, yes I would, but I wouldn't really look different. It's tricky.

I am going to tutor for a literacy program and work with habitat for humanity, and I am trying to carve out things to do because I have quite a bit of free time. I am going to a yoga class on mondays and I am doing yoga at home, which I am very proud about.

Things are hard today, but this will pass. It's just weird. It's not my house. Katie's not my mom. I'm almost 18, but not quite yet.

This morning, Claire and I talked about mistakes and being wrong. She constantly inquires about if something is healthy, and good for you. Claire is like a teenager in a little kids' body. She gets things. Bridget reminds me a lot of myself. She does everything she can to be helpful and make people happy. She holds her arms out to Paul (Pablo), saying, "You want me, baby, don't you?" Pablo is a miniature person. His eyes sparkle and he understands everything but isn't talking yet.

Enough about everything. I really really really really miss you.
and I am sorry this isn't very happy. But things are okay. Birthday celebration at my grandma's with the family this weekend. A mandolin to tune and figure out how to play. Damage to repair. Dreams to write down. Macaroni and Cheese to prepare.

I love you.

Notes

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Tue, 21 Dec 2004 02:07:22 GMT

I am here.

The woman (Annie) who gave me a manicure, and the woman (Jeanine) I sat next to on the plane-ride, both talked up a storm. I guess I attract this kind of thing? Also, please note that I am not complaining.

My aunt Elena's keyboard at work is squeaky.

I wish I could report to you that since landing in LA, every bone in my body feels right, or I feel like a different person in the way that I feel like the person I am and am supposed to be, but my bones do not feel this way and I do not feel this way. It's okay. I feel unsure. But none of this is negative. I am just going to go with the flow, and I know I will see signs that I am in the right place.

Last night, I dreamt of preschool and autistic kids. I woke up and thought, "I need to work with autistic kids." I think I do. I think, being where I am, that I can.

Yesterday, I was very tired, and kind of out of it, and that night my aunt said to me, "You seem like you're feeling really great!" or something like that, and I, like a slug, turned around and said, "Are you being sarcaastic?" But she wasn't. It gives me hope, that she noticed, even when I wasn't feeling up to snuff.

Today, my cousin Bridget (who is five, who is adorable, and who I will be watching over. Does that make me sound like a guardian angel? Because I am.) told me that she had Jessica in her class, and her real name was Jessica, but my real name was Jessie. All of my relatives and cousins call me Jessie, really, but I am moving into more of a Jess. DOES THIS MEAN I AM TURNING INTO A REAL PERSON? GROWING UP AND SUCH? BECOMING HIP? BOYORGIRLFRIENDWORTHY?

I am getting ahead of myself. Finding Neverland was so beautiful, so hopeful. I love Johnny Depp's eyes, in a way no other girl does, I am sure. They tell the story. The whole mooovie was gorgeous. I wanted to eat it.

My hair is in pig-tails. I am enjoying the palm trees and my family. If I somehow accquire a digital camera for Christmas (in 5 days!) or my Birthday (in however many days it is until it is January 9th!), you can see my pig-tails and my palm trees, possibly at the very same time.

I am now off to deck the proverbial halls. I bet your proverbial halls look smashing. I hope you dance down them while singing to "Jingle Bell Rock" and I hope you wear a swishy skirt or a tail-coat.

I LOVE YOU,
Jessie (if you are my family, which you are. You are my family.)

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Thu, 16 Dec 2004 22:19:39 GMT

So I got this email from ebay because all ebay emails go to me, only this one really shouldn't have because my parents (who are technological geniuses) bought me a mandolin for christmas/birthday, and now I know. Every year I somehow find out what they are giving me, and it's not on purpose. I swear!

So now I know what they are getting me, but I don't want them to know, but I also want them to have the sales receipts, confirmation, etc. But I can't forward them without them knowing it came from me. So what do I do?

Who knows.

--

In other news, I have been listening, non-stop, like a full-service flight from Chicago to Honalulu, to "Forjessica", which is not the real songs' name, from mat. and shelby. and it is stuck in my head all of the time but then I sing it and then it's not! yay! I heart it.

I am off to pack. I MUST GET EVERYTHING DONE TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE A BUSY WEEKEND AHEAD OF ME. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (there is a sticker from unamerican.com that says AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! & that sticker is my life right now. in a good way!)

Matt made the sun shine in portland (and in my town!) because he has special powers and it is his birthday which makes his powers even more special. Happy birthday!

What are you doing for the holidays?

RE-CAP

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Tue, 14 Dec 2004 03:00:12 GMT

Sunny California for six months (+ or -) in six days.

1. Do I have all vital personal information?
A. This includes, but is not limited to, your: mailing address, email address, phone number, birthday, favorite color, christmas wish, statement of undying love and therefore statement to write me a lot.

2. Do you have all vital personal information?
A. jessica jackson c/o the brokaws -- 19304 east telegraph road -- santa paula, california -- 93060
B. buy_my_breath at hotmail dot com
C. I'll keep you posted.
D. january ninth, nineteeneightyseven
E. rainbows!
F. peace
G. I love you undyingly, jessica.

3. My mom came home with a plate full of baked goods from my robin<3, so I'm going to eat cookies tonight.
A. but it's okay. I'm having brussel sprouts and broccoli for dinner.
a. how about you?

Questions without Answers.

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Mon, 13 Dec 2004 20:26:16 GMT

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
i know you're busy but i'm a little bit troubled about something.

my heart closes like a nocturnal flower says:
oh?

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
i just keep thinking.. about relationships. and dynamics.

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
and v.

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
in particular, because it my present example.

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
doesn't being in love mean being afraid every single time?

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
what I mean is, going-over and-over about what to say, what not to say, how much to say...... just being smaller?

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
doesn't being in love make you smaller?

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
doesn't loving at all make you smaller?

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
do you re-arrange the insides and outsides of you to make this other person fit? or when it is "meant to be" /whateverthatmeans/ does everything fit already?

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
is being in love NOT a big-small dynamic?

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
idealistically, this quote sums it up best: "life has taught me that love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction"

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
i have to pee.

my heart closes like a nocturnal flower says:
darling, i am far too wrapped up in my paper right now to approach questions of such magnitude. but i will save this conversation and return to it soon

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
oh don't. be wrapped up in your paper, and then in your blankets.

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
i am going to sleep because i am human and that is what humans do.

my heart closes like a nocturnal flower says:
: ) some of us

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
you, clearly, are a strange creature. but i love you nevertheless.

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
or everthemore, as the case may be.

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. says:
sleep tightly, spaceranger!

the Sun

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Sat, 11 Dec 2004 19:19:45 GMT

Good morning!

Matt and I always say, "Everything will be better in the morning." So I woke up. It's the morning.

Carol turned the light on: and life will go on. and you will have flowers in your eyes and light in your hair, and nothing will go perfectly but everything will go along.
let the weight of the world roll off, cry, sleep,
and wake up from your long bath in warmth, to see that the water's cold
and you've got to run another one.

I let the weight of the world roll off my shoulders (I too often forget it isn't mine) and I cried (kind of) and I slept (with bizarre dreams including Chris, sex, driving on the ocean, whales, and a peace parade).

Thank you for being here because I am here also.

And also, for good measure,
IN ALL SERIOUSNESS
By Jessica Jackson

Braving the rainy and cold month of October, I walked the Lincoln County streets, knocking on doors and praying to someone (anyone) that the dog doesn’t bite, and neither does the person behind the door. I encountered countless sleepy-eyed, half-naked bodies at all hours, and I also encountered many empty houses, the inhabitants at work, or hiding in the basement. I decorated houses with bright green literature asking for a vote for Jean Cowan, the environment, their and Oregon’s future.

I was surprised by how many people were (gasp) happy to see me. They were happy I was at their door and wanted to talk. Elderly ladies asked if I was a bit chilly (yes!) and if I wanted to come in for a cup of tea (well…).

Through canvassing with OLCV, I made some wonderful connections, perfected my ability to turn around in Dead-End No Turn-around streets, and learned (by trial and error; mostly error) that it’s best to pee before you leave for work.

In all seriousness, canvassing with OLCV is one of the many things that kept me going through this year’s tumultuous election season, especially because I am seventeen, and will continue to be seventeen until January. Basically, I spent the election season getting my “vote” out any and all ways possible. My work with OLCV is some of the most important work I have done, politically, and it is something that is invaluable and irreplaceable. Since canvassing, I have become inspired, and aware that there are so many of us out there that are dedicated to making a difference. We put in long hours and a lot of heart, we speak with passion, we stand up for what we believe in. At this point, I’m not only talking about canvassers. I’m talking about you; yeah, you.

I came out of this experience energized, and ready for more experiences. So join me. We’ll knock on doors, dog biscuits in our pockets and clipboard in our hands, and we’ll speak our minds and our hearts. We’ll stay true to our beliefs in everything we do, and all the while, we’ll know that none of it is in vain. Before we speak we will, in the words of Sai Baba, “…ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?

We will improve on the silence.

I am not sure about the CD, really I'm not. This has been a big lesson in listening, or not listening. I have really been pushing (we have all been pushing it) but she will know when she is ready. So I'm sorry if whatever happens is a let-down, but know that I am still making music and just tuning into my music and what she wants, or doesn't want.

I am off to do more cleaning and packing while wearing pajamas and humming or something. Thank you for your loving kind words. I only hope to send the same back to you whenever you need them.

and p.s. I didn't reeeally want to kill myself and I don't reallly hate everything so I hope you know that.

A DREAM.

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Sun, 05 Dec 2004 21:31:28 GMT

In my dream last night, many things happen.

I traveled my road by river/stream/CREEK with some other kids, and we ran into nancy miller, and we hadn't seen her in awhile, and I have had this dream before kind of.

My family was visiting my aunt at this house of the family she was nannying for, but the family was gone. I followed my family into the house, and had to climb up wooden (lofty) stairs to get to the room where I might sleep, but I was naked, so I hid in the shower, told them i would catch up, got a towel, and tied it around my waist, and then followed. I slept in the little girls' room.

My mom and dad and brother (?) and I were at La Roca (mexican restaurant), but then my brother and dad went over to the other La Roca on the other side of town, and so i left my mom at the la roca we were at, and went over to get my brother/s and my dad. my brother was picking the top off of his coconut muffin. he liked the muffin, but not the crunchy coconut topping. Emma, a girl I know, was having tantrums, and I was taking care of her. She pinched my nipple. I had two 50 dollar bills and talked to a woman who was with another woman and two little kids'babies and she wanted to know about the schools in the town. so i told her.

Two eateries in my town that were little bakeries or delis turned into full-fledged affordable restaurants.

I was a nanny for this family (wife, husband, two toddlers) but it was like that movie/book "the handmaid's tale" not in the way that I was there to impregnate the husband, but that I wasn't equal, and couldn't see them very much, etc. I was also not me. I had a name, but forgot it. when the wife asked me where I was from, I couldn't remember, but then remembered, and said I was from guatemala. I looked more like I was from the middle-east. When a fight broke out in the town center, I went out to try to stop it.
I died on wednesdays. The last fight I tried to break out, the wife came to find me and called "Wednesday! Wednesday!" and I thought she was calling me, but she said, "You always die on a Wednesday. It's thanksgiving!" and then I (but a different I, I suppose, unless it was alive me carrying dead me 0r... something) carried me back to their house and looked up in this big book for the car that would come to pick me up becauser their car already came.

I just kept dying on wednesdays.
And I don't know what any of this means.

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Fri, 03 Dec 2004 08:19:16 GMT

I am really tired because I should be in bed, but as I have a long weekend of domesticity ahead of me (I did a load of laundry that consisted of socks today) (although it's a bit less impressive when I tell you they were also my brothers' socks, it is still rather impressive.) (I think.) ---

I am looking for movies to watch while I am folding/going through papers, being craft, etc. Or songs to hear. ALSOALSOALSO! If you have "Baby it's cold outside" by ella and louis, I waaaaant it. Could you, like, maybe, sent it to me?

An entry of more substance is in the near future. For now, I hope you're having a wondrous evening or sleep.

Music has hands.

jessicabjackson@hotmail.com — Thu, 02 Dec 2004 05:53:37 GMT

We are all an equal part of harmony! The world is such a huge tapestry of every single little and big thing and it hurts, oh it hurts. I am listening to the Polyphonic Spree and I am completely full and empty at the same time. How is that possible? (Music has hands.)

My cd is called "Making Light".

I bought a lot of things (the store and the thrift store which had a 1/2 off sale today: hair scrunchies, foot scrubber, accordion file, hair brush, 2 dollar cds, groceries, two shirts, one shirt, one heart-shaped pan, one star-shaped ice cube tray, things to decoupage, and so on and so forth.) today, and buying things makes me sick, all of the choices makes me sick. It is so wrong for the most important thing in my life, if only for several hours, to be comparing items and prices and guarantees. However, I am buying all of my gifts locally, or making them with my own hands and heart. So yay!

In Spanish you never say "I am sorry I am late". You always say "Lateness came upon me." Try it sometime.

I am not going to enroll in community college in california. I might take the spanish course, but audited. I am not going to set a million and one things up for myself because EVERYTHING IS FALLING INTO PLACE AND I COULD JUMP FOR JOY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE LEGS AN A LANDING-PAD.

Also, looking at old lists and remembering other shopping trips makes me feel like I am doing the same things over and over again.

And! I am leaving in 18 days! That is soon! Really, really soon! I am back to cleaning and packing and sorting again, and also folks: everything is about redistributing. EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

I love love and I love you.
xo.